The road to healing is truly a challenging one, but it is also a rewarding one!  When I first started my journey to healing, I wouldn't allow myself to feel, because it was very painful.  I had also been told for so many years that feelings and emotions were not okay, but selfish.  I am now learning that our feelings and emotions are a part of who we are, as well as being a healthy way to heal. 

     Domestic violence is a huge problem in our society and many victims of domestic violence face several issues (such as employment, finances, and finding a home on their own) when trying to decide on whether or not to leave their abuser.  However, perhaps the toughest of all issues is the fact that they love their abuser. 

     Often times, after having been hurt, there is the honeymoon stage where the abuser apologizes, gives her gifts and makes promises that he will never hurt her again.  This lasts for a short time before she finds herself being hurt once again.  There is much uncertainty in making a decision to leave the abuse. 

     Another issue frequently raised is the children.  Many times, her abuser tells her that he will take the kids away from her.  He may also tell her, with outside reinforcement, that the professionals or authorities will take the children away from her and give custody to him, as has been my case.  The abuser often uses the children as pawns in his cruel game.  

     The victim is torn between her love for her partner, her desire to protect her children and the emotions of constantly being hurt.  She may tell herself that perhaps if she expresses more love, he will change.  She may convince herself that it must be something wrong with her, since he does not behave this way outside of their home.  She is the only one who sees the monster in him, as he beats her with his fists, hands, words, or love.   

     Often times, she is embarrased to tell anyone of what is happening behind the closed doors of their home, as she feels it is her fault.  In the eyes of everyone else, he is a great guy! He is sociable, funny, perhaps he attends church on a regular basis, and is a dedicated worker.  However, when in her presence, it's as if he transforms into a beast of some sort.  

     I was personally told by both my abuser and the church we attended, that if I told any professional what the children and I were enduring, they would take my children away from me.  I was also told not to tattle on him every time something went the way I didn't want it to. 

     The victim begins to live in a cave of isolation.  Her  abuser may give her explicit instructions not to leave the house at any time without his permission.  Or he may simply question her each time she has gone somewhere.  It was not unusual for me to have to show receipts for all purchases made.  Nor was it unusual for me to be scolded for spending too much time away with my friends or at church.  When I tried to work or spent time with friends or family, the house was given a thorough inspection each time and my shortcomings, as a submissive and obedient wife, were pointed out.

     I would like to share something with each of you.  The first step in leaving abuse is very difficult.  It is riddled with fears, emotions, and questions.  However, once the woman feels safe with you, she will begin to open up and share her secrets.  When a victim of domestic violence has trusted you enough to come to you and share the secrets of the abuse she is enduring...please simply be there to love and support her.  Often times, people ask me, "Why did you stay for so long?"  They also ask, "Why did you let him do this for so long?" 

     It is tremendously difficult for a victim to share her story because she has been told she is crazy.  Sometimes her very life has been threatened.  She knows what she was told and when she questions him or expresses her feelings on his comments or behavior to someone else, her abuser may tell her, "I didn't do that!  You're crazy!  You're just too sensitive and everything I do is wrong!"  This statement leaves her feeling as though she made the whole thing up and she begins to question within herself what is real and what is imagined.  Reality begins to lose it's clarity.

     Please do not question a victim of domestic violence as to her reasoning in staying.  That will only help to reinforce her abusers behavior and she may feel as though she is wrong once again.  Please be cautious and choose your words very carefully, speaking only those words that will validate her worth as an individual.  She needs to hear that she is a person of worth and value; that she is a special individual with many talents and gifts within her. 

     Please take the time to be there to embrace her, hold her hand, and validate the fact that she is a good person.  She needs to be loved, encouraged, supported and embraced throughout her journey.  I know this because I have been there.  The support that has been shown to me has had a dramatic impact on my life.  I didn't think I was worthy or that I mattered to anyone.  It has taken a period of at least 3 years of those who support me the most, telling me that I am worthy and I do matter...that I am a good person.

     The affirmations spoken to a victim somehow reach deep down within her spirit .  Even telling a victim of domestic violence how proud of her you are when she has taken the first step to sharing her secrets...will encourage her to continue to walk towards safety and healing.  Love is not a simple word for a victim of domestic violence, as many times it can equal physical, sexual, or emotional pain.  Did you know that it is extremely difficult for a victim of domestic violence to even look at herself in the mirror and tell herself, "You are special."  This takes great effort on her part, due to the years of damage done to her spirit and soul.

     Many times, your look of compassion, your tender touch of understanding, or your gentle words of encouragement will touch her to a depth that you may never know.  And it could very well be the one thing that helps her to draw on the courage she truly holds within herself, thus helping her to take that first step to seeking help and support.

     It isn't about walking the journey for her, but walking alongside of her so she is not alone on her journey.  It is about sometimes walking beside her and laughing, sometimes sitting with her and crying, and sometimes carrying her for a bit until she feels strong enough to continue the journey.  It is, simply put, about supporting her and being there for her as she strives to practice self-care and make her own decisions...while learning to trust herself and others around her.  It is about loving her as she learns to love herself as an individual. 

     I would like to encourage anyone still in an abusive relationship to seek out help in your community.  There are many people who stand ready to assist you in your quest to safety and healing.  One of the biggest lessons for me has been that those who work in this field are there because of their genuine concern for the victims safety.  They are not there to judge or criticize us.  Rather, they are there to love us, encourage us, and offer support free of judgement. 

     To those who have already left the abuse and have survived, I would like to encourage you to seek out help as well, since sometimes the processing of emotions is difficult and we all need support to get through it.  I still have a very strong support system in place, as I have learned that the process can be a long one. However, I believe it is a worthwhile process! 

     Never give up!  Continue your process and allow those in your support network to help you along the way. I am learning this same valuable lesson.  Have a peaceful day!